Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Give a baker flours on your first date.