A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.