Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10