I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]