Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Perfect
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.