So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Y’all know who you are.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what