*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
do u think theres a butter planet?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
(yawn)
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more