Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?