[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
😬
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Monica just destroyed the internet
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.