Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
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[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Who chose this font
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.