The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Need WebMD
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg