Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
R.I.P.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
The old gods are rising again.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it