GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Last-minute gift idea!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now