Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Strange things: the prequel
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2 Stranger 2 Things
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Life cycle of cat
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
lol
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok