If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Cardio Made Easy
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.