Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
WHY would you be happy about this?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Safety first
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat