M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.