Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
This pepper has seen some shit
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.