Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god