If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
British websites use biscuits.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”