[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.