exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Midwest trash talk
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all