“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
…żyje?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Goodnight 🐶
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems