everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.