The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Writing, She Murdered.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die