Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.