[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
mmm onion ringos
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me