Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
hey, alexa
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.