The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.