*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile