Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
$3 #books
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.