They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
From Facebook just now…
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂