The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives