“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
You Might Also Like
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I think the cat got the dog high.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.