[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.