I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”