I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?