washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
“No way.” -Jose
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns