Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
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*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
We like the way Dwight thinks
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland