PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
So the ex texted me
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…