If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it