What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman