Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
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Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.