Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.