Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Looking at you, Jesus.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.