Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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Just a reminder, folks:
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
This makes total sense…
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that