Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
This guy’s not having it 😆
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
It’s the weekend y’all
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no