Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Seek kebab; not attention