Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You Might Also Like
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”