Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Tough love is true love
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today